bonus material




Our Warpships have sailed to the edge of the Galaxy for the sake of Divine Glory to bring the ignorant Aliens out of their Satanic darkness.

We Humans are the Force for Good in the Galaxy. We want to reach out and be a friend and partner to all Alien races helping them to inhabit sovereign, prosperous and stable planets.  That is our Destiny.

Get respect! Get status! Take this opportunity to serve in the Great Work!

Give your life meaning with your own personal Coat of Arms. Be awarded the insignia of Knight of the Illustrious Royal Order of the Sacred Warp.

Here are some of the great tasks YOU will be carrying out as a Knight of the Warped Rose:

  • Fulfill your destiny by destroying Alien Temples dedicated to the Cosmic Goddess.

  • Burn Heretic Priestesses of the Cosmic Goddess with your lasers. The Goddess creates, but we cremate. REMEMBER: It is not killing. It is cleansing.

  • Help our Peacekeeping forces to exact Tribute from Alien planets in return for our protection. REMEMBER: It is better to be feared than loved.

  • Lead the Aliens to Salvation. Reclaim them from savagery to gentleness and humanity. Encourage them with the laser lash. Tell them every day, ‘Happy are those who are weeping because the Kingdom of God is for them.’

  • Oversee Aliens sent down Spice Mines to bring back valuable resources to Earth. Your knowledge of the gospel will allow you to find texts encouraging the Aliens to love poverty, like ‘Happier are the poor because they will inherit the heaven,’ and, ‘It’s very difficult for the rich to enter the kingdom of God.’

  • Qualify for the MacIavelli Award by taking compromising holo-vids of your fellow Knights so they will do your bidding in the future.

  • Execute Knights who have betrayed their enlistment oath and revealed our Secret Rituals.

  • Play your part in the Crusade to rid the Galaxy of the Mad Cow Disease of the Goddess and bring the Light of the Lord to the New Worlds.

  • Earn forgiveness for your sins while acquiring vast riches from the Galaxy. Every Crusader gets a percentage of the takings. REMEMBER: Might is right.

  • Above all – your task will be to destroy the Quantum Mechanic who calls himself SLAYER or SCHLOCK. This Satanic Robot is the greatest threat we face today!

The Ten Commandments of the Warp Knights Code of Chivalry:

  1. Thou shalt spread the Light of the Lord across the Galaxy.
  2. Thou shalt respect all weaknesses, and shalt constitute thyself the defender of them.
  3. Thou shalt believe Might is right. And see no contradiction with Commandment above.
  4. Thou shalt love the planet Earth recognising human exceptionalism over all other races.
  5. Thou shalt convert the Alien from his sinful ways.
  6. Thou shalt make war against the Alien without cessation, and without mercy.
  7. Thou shalt remain faithful to thy pledged word. Except when dealing with Aliens.
  8. Thou shalt be generous, and expect Aliens to be generous in return. On pain of death.
  9. Thou shalt stay and faithfully guard Alien planets for their own good– even when they ask us to leave.
  10. Thou shalt be everywhere and always the champion of the Right and the Good against Injustice and Evil. As defined by the LORD PROTECTOR DROGEDA, THE SUPREME KNIGHT.

Bonus Material

Need more Schlock 'n Aargh?

Check out more bonus material on our other SpaceWarp stories:


Back in the late 1980s I was invited to observe some UFOs by a group that was in contact with them. I was sceptical but curious and so, one wintry day, I travelled to the group’s home city to observe them. If they existed, I expected to see Steven Spielberg CE3K UFOs.


XTs boosts dopamine in humans’ brains so humans feel happy and at peace in the alien’s presence.

These human ‘dopes’ can become addicted to the chemical and this leads to Sirius Syndrome – ‘Loving the Alien’ – whereby they lose their judgment and free will – with catastrophic results.


Big Jobs – dinosaur dung. Also Number Threes.
Blurter – an Idiot who makes a noise, alerting a predator.
Cordon Blues – short-tempered or depressed as a result of City imprisonment.


Joe Megiddo’s theory that dinosaurs actually disappeared thousands or even million of years before the famous asteroid struck the Earth 66 million years ago is based on a scientific theory that is known in our reality.

Get Branded!

Receive a FREE copy of Branded when you subscribe to Space Warp updates.